Friday, January 14, 2005

I am the Hermit

This blog was created one lonely night having gone through the day of deep soul-searching, a dark night of the soul and heaving bouts of insecurity, not over a relationship, for mine is a blessing, although my godmother would not agree. Insecurity and guilt about the circumstances in my life, realizing long ago that I was not in control, even now, nor will I ever be, submitting to a Higher Being to make sense of it all.

Born and raised a Catholic, converting to fundamental Christianity in the twelth grade and attending a fundamental baptist bible college was rather shocking, enduring cynical remarks and sometimes uncontrollable rantings from my deeply religious Catholic family, which spiked my stubborn thermometer, providing the impetus to rebel in a rather benign way. However, years later, my belief system was not feeding me spiritually, emotionally, or mentally, and so the search began. Thinking in retrospect, my life had reached complicated proportions and appeared to always be in a state of flux. Each day seemed endless and hopeless, the nights even worse, no sleep, and talking to myself, trying to understand what was my purpose in life.

I searched for answers, diving into the sea of religions and ancient studies, gasping for breath at new ideas, new concepts, perhaps a new beginning. Buddhism, agnosticism, existentialism, the Occult, including ceremonial magick, tarot, astrology, O.T.O., the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, Enochian magick, chaos magick, and kabbalah. I must confess that as I surfaced, my mind was imbued with new ideas, new feelings, and new thoughts that I eagerly embraced. I felt alive and different, something I had not felt, ever.

I believe that during that time in my life, these meanderings were necessary and the experiences I endured embedded themselves in my psyche, a good thing, because today, although I continue my journey as the Hermit, I endure persecution and pain with a quiet mind and a steadfast heart. The world does not understand me, although I hide nothing. I have been judged and found wanting, and so I do not judge. As I grow older, the path becomes narrow and perilous, barely lit by the light of the sun or the pale of the moon.

I intuit that knowledge gained reveals my realization that I know nothing, and in knowing this, I am humbled, a speck of dust among billions of infinity of specks. I am in awe of the universe and its mysteries, for I believe that mankind will never gain all knowledge, only that which is necessary for the ages, in order for mankind to continue to exist.

The masters of old said it best, "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear," and "know thyself". Indeed, to know thy self may be deleterious to the psyche, but more is to gain than to lose, and even in sorrow, if one is aware, there is joy in sadness and persecution. And where is the good teacher, for the student is ready. Who will take up the tombs and weave strong roots in the mind of the eager pupil, who will gladly destroy himself for a new arising, as old as the ancient alchemists who searched for the Philosopher's stone, a fire to burn away the dross to reach the desired gold, but within.

Will my brother and sister of humanity know me? Will they understand and accept me? Will love prevail and light the way as the one who carries the lamp when darkness is ever present? Is the world ready for a new awakening? I believe that mankind in on the brink of a new discovery, not without, but within. May it be so. The journey is long and I am weary. I am the Hermit.


Blogger isabel said...

there's joy in persecution? i don't think so.

6:11 AM  
Blogger Me said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Machiavelli Novo said...

Beautiful. I had no idea that you could write so well. You definitely have a gift of expression.
They say that our purpose chooses us, as do our gifts. They choose the spirit that can best utilize them. But with this comes the balance of the equation. If one does not use their gifts, they will leave them and go to someone that better utilize them. And if one does not use their purpose, it will leave them and they will have no reason to exist on this plane.
All created things have a purpose. Once they have exhausted their purpose or neglected their purpose they be returned to the Source and recycled. The end is the same - physical death, but the diffence is the state of consciousness is which one leaves this plane - consciously integrated or consciously separate. In reality there is no time. Therefore what is always was and always will be. So the state of consciousness in which one leaves this plane to return home is of importance, but then again of new importance.
Energy is always being transformed, so even in a state of conscious unconsciousness one will be returned to the phyiscal as a vibration sympathetic with the their past/present/future state. The ebb and flow is eternal, and the experience of life is embrace both separateness and interconnectedness. Happiness is achieved through the conscious submission to the consciousness of intergration - actualizing one's individuality as an expression of the ordered potentiality of the no-thing - the surrender of one's ego to the no-thing and the stillness that allows the no-thing to express Itself as individuality using your body as the medium of expression on this plane.
May your quest towards self-realization/actualization be a beautiful journey that can be savored for all of eternaty.

3:54 PM  
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