Sunday, January 09, 2005

My neurotic mind keeps me company and my thumb controls me

Since I was a child, I've had this urge to rule the world... not just my immediate environment, but everything outside it which would explain my obsessive-compulsive disorder to update and tweak my blog every hour or so, driving my friends to exasperation when they cannot reach me by phone. One actually drove over to see if I was still breathing, as she so eloquently put sweet.

One of my defense mechanisms is to lock myself in my room and read a good novel with complicated twists until I am drained which leads to another neurosis I have... anxiety. How many times must I check to see if I've locked the doors before I leave or glance at the knobs on the stove? A walking cesspool of contradictions and an endless variety of phobias cling to me. Funny how people say it's because I'm a perfectionist. How wrong they are, but I will not be responsible for their malcontent if I were to truly tell them what was on my mind and so, the illusion continues.

Come to think of it, I remember being a driven, mean-spirited child, although my best friend and cousin Lorraine was worse and I know this because my parents would whisper that she was a bad influence during my developmental years. My cousins feared me which leads me to share with you a habit I still have not overcome. Whenever I am angry, I would bite my left thumb which is a precursor to an enraged outburst. Goodness, when I bit my thumb, they would run and hide. Unfortunately, my sister wasn't so lucky for she endured my wrath which included pinching, teasing and other spineless forms of torture which to a child is unbearable and traumatic and can be attributed to her anti-social behavior as she got older.

Reflection is a part of growing up and I realize that I had control issues. Honestly, who doesn't? Life has a way of teaching us there are things beyond our control that we cannot change, just accept, cope, and move on. Today I am more balanced emotionally, and hopefully, a wiser person and when not sure, a long look in the mirror manages to convey those facts.

Sigmund Freud, bless his heart, writes that a neurosis is an ineffectual coping strategy caused by emotions from past experience overwhelming or interfering with present experience.

I believe Freud would agree that neurotic behavior is inherent in all humans and that no one can, or will escape, unless they had perfect parents which we all know, do not exist, and if argued, will eventually lead back to the question of which came first, the chicken or the egg?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nerotic behavior I would say just stems in the area you feel you needed to accel at. If you feel the need to be secure and safe you check all your locks and doors and walk carefully in the streets however if you feel the need to be a good lover or boyfriend/girlfriend you fine yourself checking up on them every few moments a need to talk to them even when you just did or just hear their voice. I think your right about one thing that everyone has a nerotic behavior of somesort. Be it minor or accessive.

3:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Insightful post. If the reference to OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) was not casual, please seek the help of a therapist specifically trained in that disorder. Not all perfectionists have this, but the feelings you describe in your post are very similar to those of my daughter, someone who is brilliant, creative, and independet, as your blog clearly shows. She suspected for a while that something was "amiss", but since we all do have various questionings within ourselves, she hoped it was a passing phase. It took the OCD to reach severe levels before she came to me, afraid she was losing her mind, no longer able to cover up the pervasive, tension-inducing, utterly miserable anxiety from OCD. She's been seeing a renowned specialist for a yr and is learning to cope. This is NOT a disorder one can "overcome" on one's own. She, too, was so drained. Wishing you the best. I'd hate to see you in the misery she was in. She is still battling this everyday, but it *is* better. Please don't try to talk yourself out of seeking professional help, as she tried to. I don't know you, so only YOU know if you need it. Heed that voice. Best to you

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