Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Faith and Hope, another try

My soul has seen the twilight of a beautiful young lady. Her spirit has diminished. She has the wonderful heart of a child who loves and wants to protect, yet she has taken the responsibility and has re-shaped it in her mind to conform to her reality. My love for her is boundless. She is pure and strong. Yet the grief of her dead family has relegated her to a shadow of her former self. My sorrow in seeing her, numb from her emotions from the medication she takes, has stabbed and raped my heart, my soul, my being. My reason for existence has ended-- or has it begun?

If ever there was a time for strength and power of wisdom and love, surely it is now. I keep telling myself, to no avail at the time of this writing, that there is no other reason for my life than to see this beautiful child, brought back safely from the sanctuary she has built in her mind. For her sanctuary has kept her far from those whom she loves and in a precarious existence between the world of reality and dreams. I must save her. Can I save her? Does she know I'’m trying? Does she care?

I have never experienced the dark night of the soul in it most extreme degree until yesterday. My spirit wants to break free from this world. My soul calls for peace and the cessation of strife, yet I know that I must place my power in my faith.. my belief… of what? How do I describe my reason for being? Is it God? Which one? Is there only one? And why this precious one? What role does she play? What is her purpose in all this? Am I the cause for this unthinkable sin? Whom should I blame? Where am I going with all this? Are these the ramblings of a lunatic who has reached the edge of the world and is teetering on the brink of destruction? But how do I know this is the ultimate outcome? Could it also be, teetering on the brink of love? But isn'’t there a price to pay for love? Even perfect love isn’t free.

My existence rests in hopes, but I'’ve never held much credence to hope. For hope deserted me a while back. I believe it is knocking loudly at my door. Insistent. Careless. Rude. Who the hell does it think it is? It left my home. I didn'’t tell it to leave. Now it thinks that I/’m just going to open my door freely and allow it to come in? How can I ever trust it when it has deserted me time and again. And so, if I cannot trust hope, in whom do I place my faith and trust? Do I place my faith and trust in myself? But where is God? Hello God, are you there? it’'s me, the Hermit.


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